The Weirdly Dissatisfying Thing about ‘Americans’

We read, hear and speak people about ‘Americans’ as if they are all, exclusively and unilaterally, citizens of the United States. They’re not.

Presidents, Congressmen, Senators, songwriters, scriptwriters, and the average Joe on the street in the United States, please hear the call.

‘America’ is a continent.

A continent.

The Oxford Dictionary defines a continent as ‘any of the world’s main continuous expanses of land.’ Usually, a large number of islands are also considered to be part of the continent.

A continent is not a country. Other than Australia, which is a large island that has been labeled a subcontinent for some, probably very British, reason.

Oddly enough, although this may come as a surprise to many of the United States of America’s citizens, a continent is made up of several different countries. With different languages. Different cultures. Different ideas about the ‘right to bear arms.’ Different constitutions.

So when your President, as every President of the United States inevitably does, begins an address with, “My fellow Americans,” he is, in point of fact, addressing all the good folk from Brazil, Mexico, Colombia, Argentina, Grenada, Bahamas, Barbados, Canada, Peru, Venezuela, Chile, Ecuador, Guatemala, Bolivia, Haiti, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Honduras, Paraguay, Antigua and Barbuda, Dominica, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Honduras, Uruguay, Santa Lucia, Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago, Suriname, Guyana, and Belize.

He is also addressing the half-European citizens of various half-colonies like the French ones: Guadeloupe, Martinique, Saint Barthélemay, Saint Martin, Saint Pierre and Miquelon, and French Guiana.

And the citizens of the Netherlands’ colonies like Curaço, Aruba, Saint Vincent, Caribbean Netherlands, Sint Maarten, and the Grenadines.

The United Kingdom still maintains a tiny part of its Her Majesty’s Empire and has citizens in places like the Cayman Islands, Anguilla Bermuda, Turks and Caicos Islands, the British Virgin Islands, Montserrat. They even went to war with Argentina over the Falkland Islands. All these people may hold British passports, but they’re still Americans.

Greenland is a part of Denmark, Europe, and is also part of, (surprise, surprise), the continent of America. So Greenlanders are also Americans.

This means your President is addressing 691,000,000 people(give or take a few tens of thousands), who are Americans but are not citizens of the United States of America.

In short, your President (Republican or Democrat) is actually addressing them as your fellows, your compadres. Further, by addressing them all as “Americans” while simultaneously keeping people from all Mexico, Cuba, and all those pesky islands in the Caribbean out of the United States, he’s being more than a little hypocritical. He is actually keeping out your fellow Americans.

I have two solutions.

The first is right up your street. Maybe you should find some other term? You are so good with words and phrases like ‘collateral damage’ and ‘terminate with extreme prejudice’ so perhaps, possibly, logically, ‘Citizens of the United States’ would be a better option?

Bit of a mouthful though. Imagine, “My fellow citizens of the United States this election was stolen.”

Hmm.

Well, you do call your President POTUS and his wife FLOTUS, so how about COTUS? As in Citizen or Citizens Of The United States.

“My fellow COTUS,” sounds less portentous, less important-sounding, and alas, a little too close to coitus. Still, more accurate, wouldn’t you agree?

Or, I have another alternative.

Really, the only logical solution to this issue of all these Americans who are not citizens of the United States is to begin a campaign to unify America. In the grand old tradition of the United States, with a robust military intervention combined with the ‘walk softly and carry a big stick’ brand of subtle persuasion.

The big stick will not be a problem. I am certain you will have the active support of the Military-Industrial Complex, all those COTUS with their millions of guns, your huge military budgets, and the four branches of your Armed Forces. Plus the ever-present threat of your nuclear arsenal.

Once achieved, which shouldn’t take long, your problem with policing your borders becomes the problem of the United States Coast Guard. And you only have to worry about illegal immigrants from over the seas. And the distance is not small, you have the entire Pacific Ocean on one side and the Atlantic on the other. It should be entirely capable of keeping those pesky immigrants out of the United States.

But, most importantly, all Americans truly become your “Fellow Americans.”

And then all manner of things will be well.

Except for the wall of course. That will be an artefact of the past.